i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
