biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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