Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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