My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
