His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
That's how pantless uber rides happen
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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