officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize