They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
