On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
