just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
