it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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