it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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