I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
