Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
