Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh god it's open bar.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
