look no pants
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize