how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
