No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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