Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
