I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
