I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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