So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
