Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
