I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
