Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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