in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
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