Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
