...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
