I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
