i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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