new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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