I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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