you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
