can we get nightvision for the apartment?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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