You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
