Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
