I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
