he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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