My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
