yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
