just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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