Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
