Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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