I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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