I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
