My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
