at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
