I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
