Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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