I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
