So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
