Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
