Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
