He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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