Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
