Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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