I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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