K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
