I hate your face
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
