I puked a lego.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
