At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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