My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
