Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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