I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
