Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
