I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
