Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
