Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
