I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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