Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
